Let’s Discuss: Why is she a Virgin?

Posted 25 August, 2013 by Linda @ (un)Conventional Bookworms in Discussion Posts / 31 Comments

Let's Discuss - (un)Conventional BookviewsLet’s Discuss is a weekly post hosted by The Fiction Conniption and oh, Chrys. The discussion posts are supposed to have something to do with books, but you can pretty much choose your own topic. You can link up to your discussion post at both blogs, and also visit other posts and participate in the discussions they are having. When you link up, it should be to a post made in the past seven days, even if The Fiction Conniption and Oh, Chrys both post theirs every Thursday. You don’t have to post weekly discussion posts, and you can participate when you feel like it.

Let’s Discuss: Why is she a Virgin?

You guys must think I have sex on the brain… It seems as if the only discussion posts I come up with have to do with sex in books I read. Like my last post, Intimacy in YA? was about sex (or the lack of it) in YA books, today, I want to talk about romance books. And why the heroine so often is a virgin. Why does she kind of have to be a virgin? This is one romance novel trope I wish we could just get rid of already. It sometimes make me feel as if a female character has less worth if she’s already been with a guy other than the hero. And I hate the double standard this brings to the table, because of course, the hero has so much sexual experience he can bring her to bliss so quickly she doesn’t even notice the little hurt the act can bring to a virgin.

I wish there would be more heroines who had some experience before, because it would truly show a more realistic woman in fiction. In historical romance fiction, I understand the ‘need’ to have the damsel be a virgin, but I really don’t in the contemporary ones. I’m happy to say that I have found some recent romance novels where the heroine has some experience, and I enjoyed those a lot more than the ones with a quivering virgin wondering how it was going to be. When the heroine is a virgin, it by no means makes me want to throw my kindle at the wall, but it does make me think about the different expectations there might be for men and women.

What do you think? Should a romance heroine be all pure and innocent when she meets the hero, or  is it OK if she has some (or even a lot!) experience already?

Thanks for stopping by, and for participating in the discussion.

Lexxie signature (un)Conventional Bookviews

 

 

Linda @ (un)Conventional Bookworms

About Linda @ (un)Conventional Bookworms

Linda is an English as foreign language teacher and has a Master's degree in English Language and Literature. She's an avid reader, blogger, compulsive one-clicker and a genre omnivore. Ever since she learnt how to read she has been seen with a book or two in her hands everywhere she goes.

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31 responses to “Let’s Discuss: Why is she a Virgin?

  1. Well, since I read more historical romances than contemporary I do get the who virgin thing as it is a part of the ways of life back then. I don’t think I have read a contemporary where the female is a virgin unless she is younger, or maybe a social outcast, or something like that. I guess I never really gave it much thought..lol. I personally don’t really care either way, it’s romance..first time or experienced, it’s still a romance novel. 🙂

    • In some contemporary romances, even a woman who is in her late twenties is a virgin. I don’t mean that this is a bad thing at all, and I know that this can also happen in real life. What I really think is too bad is the double standard.

      And you’re completely right, though, Stormi, it’s still a romance novel, and if it’s well written, I will enjoy it.

  2. I definitely have to comment on this one. I think I’d prefer if women had experience, teenage or adult. I think publishers like the idea of making women virginal, because it’s always been. And while I think that sets a better example, I definitely dont find it realistic. If I were a mother, I think in some way I’d want my children to save themselves for the right person, but I’d be a hypocrite, because I didn’t necessarily follow that practice.

    Im 28, and while I didn’t experience dating until 18 years old, I knew this was rare in my age group at the time. I think if sex is tasteful, I can handle it. Some books lack taste, and love scenes often make me want to barf XD

    Sometimes I think most aspects of women’s lives, even romance in books is dictated by men, so at times, it can be a subliminal to control how women behave. This could be a conversation I can have for a long time, but it was interesting, and I will also comment in Sex in YA as well. Thanks for posting something that brought such a great interest in me!

    • I agree, it’s like one more way to try to dictate how women should act in a way, and I really wonder about that a lot. And I’m all for setting a good example too, but not all books need to be about morals.

      Maybe some authors / publishers think they’re kind of making a compromise if there is sex in the story but the woman was a virgin, and then stays with this one man for her happily ever after?

      Thank you so much for stopping by to comment, that’s really what these posts are for, if you have something more, just come back, and I’ll be happy to chat more about it!

  3. I’d have to agree with you for the most part, Lexxie. There are instances where it totally works with the plot (Captive in the Dark, Undeniable or YAs) to have the heroine be a virgin (I’m not talking about historicals) but I think this trope is becoming trite. I agree that it’s more realistic for a heroine to have some experience. And I hate the double standard where sex and men and women are concerned. Why IS it okay for men to rack up the notches on their bedposts, so to speak, but it’s not okay for women?

    Great post, Lexxie. Now get your mind out of the gutter! LOL 😉 *hugs*

    Bookworm Brandee recently posted: **Sidekick Showcase ~ #8**
    • Exactly? Why is that OK? And where the heck is he getting his experience if all the women are virgins? I know that’s never the case, but you know what I mean, right? And I also really don’t like it if a woman who does have some sexual experience is thought of as a slut, an ‘easy’ woman or something else tainted by negativity.

      Thanks for stopping by, Brandee, I’ll try to get my mind out of the gutter…

  4. Great post! people need to seriously stop thinking that women need to be virginal (but the men can always be heavily experienced) in fiction It really does come up every where. I especially hate when they get the “happily ever after” ending with the first person they are ever with (especially considering that among other tropes, dudes are also possessive or stalkers). It basically tells girls that they’re spent after the first one. They’re worthless. They should just settle.

    Worst message ever.
    And it’s not realistic. And it says that only the “pure” are worthy of romance and having a story they can relate to.

    • I agree with everything you said. Sometimes, it’s OK to have that whole ‘virgin meets man, falls in love and has HEA’ but when it happens in a lot of different romance novels, it becomes too much and I think that’s kind of sad.

      And yes, a woman is still worth something if she has been with one or more men, you’re right, making us believe that is not the case is terrible.

      I’m really glad I posted this, because I see I’m not the only one who has strong feelings about the subject.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!

  5. I’m sort of half and half about it. There are plenty of women into their twenties who are still virgins so I can understand the chances of encountering one in certain areas. At the same time I love romances when the heroine embraces her sexuality. There are plenty erotic romances where the heroine has plenty of experience but perhaps is just new to dominance or new to commitment. I think you can get the feel of virginity conflicts in other ways.

    Frankly it depends on the book for me. Historicals are logical and I’m always up for crazy-sauce Harlequins. Contemporaries it depends on the character and their backstory. Sometimes the virgin angle makes sense and other times, it doesn’t.

    • True, there are plenty of women in their twenties who are still virgins, and they should be able to read about a first time for a woman their age without feeling bad about it. Because I’m all for every person choosing when they’re ready/want to do things that are so personal. And I’m also fine with the fact that some people wait until they get married, or stay their whole life with the first person they have sex with.

      When I read a romance where the heroine embraces her sexuality and is not embarrassed about having experience, I love her even more! Because I think those kinds of heroines are really necessary as well. Because lots of women in their late teens aren’t virgins anymore, but they still deserve love and romance 🙂

      I don’t want all my romance books to be the same, so I’m not saying there should be this huge switch in the tropes, but I think the virginal trope should maybe become a little bit less important.

      Thanks so much for stopping by Tsuki 🙂

    • Oh, I agree, in YA it’s a completely different thing, but in romance novels for adults, I think it happens a little bit too often. Even if the man is older, it is always strange to me if he has lots and lots of experience, but the heroine has none at all…

      Thanks for stopping by Jaz 🙂

  6. In a lot of YA books I think the protagonist is a virgin because when she gets the guy and they finally do it, somehow it’s meant to be more special. Which is kind of ridiculous. Especially since a lot of YA heroines aren’t particularly shy with guys and are really confident in their own skin (not that confident girls can’t be virgins).

    It does frustrate me, but mostly I tend to gloss over it because in YA books the heroines are young and so the fact that they don’t have experience is realistic. Thing is, I don’t think they’re virgins for realism, I think they’re virgins because then the reader gets the idea that the guy she finally gets with in the book will be her first and last one true love. And THAT is unrealistic.

    There are some exceptions though: like Remy from This Lullaby (Sarah Dessen). She wasn’t just not a virgin, but she was portrayed as very experienced. And it was actually so refreshing to read, because the story focused more on the characters’ relationships than their build-up to having sex.

    Allie @ Little Birdie Books

    Allie Christo recently posted: *Super Six Sunday* - Six super books of 2013
    • That’s what I was trying to pull out of my head! I think it’s so over used because it’s so “special the first time” but even after you’ve been with one person, it doesn’t make the situation with the next romantic relationship any less exciting.

      There can still be a highly emotional sexy relationship without him being the first. (Not all girls who have had sex start having casual sex… writers can still portray a deep connection). Honestly, how many people HEA with the first boy they sleep with?

      eightbitbrit recently posted: X-Men #4
      • OH, yes! That’s exactly it – the magic first time – where she starts out quivering and scared, and it’s just so amazing she can only think about sex (with the hero, of course) from that point on..

    • I think the thing that upsets me the most is that this then means that female characters (and maybe women in general) are ‘supposed’ to only have one sexual partner in their life, and I don’t think that’s a good thing at all.

      Thanks so much for participating in the discussion, Allie 🙂

    • Very good points, Allie! I especially think that the fact that the girl being a virgin and that this should mean she has found ‘true love’ and should therefore stay with the first guy she has sex with is not a very good thing to tell young readers!
      Thanks for stopping by to comment.

  7. Oh there you are, Lexxie!:D I thought you’ve gone jetsetting to some faraway beach again.

    Anyway, back to topic. First of all, I LOVE the post title. Bwahahahaha.<3 Way to go!

    I am glad that you have brought this up. In a way, those virgin heroines sometimes nag me whenever I'm reading a romance book. If you come to think of it, it's not realistic. It can also portray the wrong message. Girls might think that they're not worthy to be this and that just because they're already deflowered.

    And I don't know what's up with authors creating virgin heroines. I am not sure what are their purpose? Are they trying to send a message to stop engaging with pre-marital sex or something? Or what, I don't know.

    As for Young Adults, I think it would really depend. Like with Harry Potter, it would be kind of awkward to mention that Hermione is still a virgin or something because it's not really relevant to the whole story. But with books like Twilight, I'd appreciate it if I get to see devirginized heroines and yet, they're just as worthy as those virgins.

    Charlotte recently posted: Stacking the Shelves {7}
    • Thank you Charlotte 🙂 I almost had the title be ‘Why does she have to be a virgin?’… but since it’s not always the case I figured I had no need for exaggeration…

      And I think that messages like that in books is not what I want. I don’t want young girls I know to feel like they are sullied if they have already had sex, but aren’t with that guy anymore. And I think it’s really important that the girls who does have some experience are not treated as ‘bad’ girls – neither by the narrator, nor by other girls in the story.

      Thanks for stopping by and participating in the discussion 🙂

  8. Side note (this one is more New Adult.. or TV portrayal)- Also that the sex is always ridiculously mind blowing: No. Not even. It’s awkward.

    I also think that puts out there this “If you didn’t like it there’s something wrong with you”

    So often there are characters that aren’t self assured, or are virginal, or are recovering from some trauma, but all of a sudden: magical sex.

    I remember watching Alphas and Rachel having sex and it was totally awful and she was overwhelmed, and the guy who had been scarred in an accident left his shirt on and everyone was embarassed and I thought “Wow, that’s actually what would happen there” in so man writings the short cut to “these are supposed to be together” is to have an uncanny sexual connection rather than actually working through their issues.

    eightbitbrit recently posted: X-Men #4
    • Of course the sex is always mind-blowing… that is even more realistic than having all the female characters be virgins, right? Love the magical sex reference, too – after that, the virginal heroine can’t think of anything else, and that’s just stupid.

      I agree, when sex is portrayed in a realistic way, it’s great, and I wish there were more stories like that. But I still keep reading romance novels and erotica, though, so maybe that actually says more about me?

  9. I don’t mind if there’s a realistic reason for her being a virgin (like the Earth would explode if she has sex), but I really hate stories that add in the fact that the woman is a virgin for the sake of being a virgin.

    On a semi-related note, it made sense that Blue (or whatever her name was)from the Raven Boys had never kissed a boy before…because apparently if she kissed a her true love, he would die. See, that makes sense!

    I hated the Rhapsody series in that somehow Rhapsody magically transformed mid-book from a slut to a virgin by entering through this big-ass tree. How can you become a virgin again! Did the tree magically reattach her hymen or something?

    Lizzy recently posted: A to Z Bookish Survey
    • LOL, reattaching hymens, and erasing experience, eh? I agree, that in books where there is a good reason why the girl is a virgin it doesn’t bother me. But in most romance novels for adults, I don’t understand why the heroine ‘has’ to be a virgin. It doesn’t really add anything to the story.

      I haven’t read the Raven Boys yet, but I see what you mean about kissing a true love and he would die, you wouldn’t want that at all.

      Thanks for stopping by, Lizzy!

  10. This trope is definitely unrealistic. Yes, there are teen virgins. However, that does not mean everyone is. I think it has to do with conventions, which are pretty stupid. I would love to see a YA book where the heroine is not a virgin, and not slut-shamed for not being one. I also hate when virgins have sex in YA and it is so perfect and professional. Like WTF. Lol.

    Christine @ Oh, Chrys! recently posted: Book Review: Pivot Point by Kasie West
    • LOL perfect and professional virgin-sex 😀 That’s the most unconvincing if they’re both virgins, though, but they both still know what to do and are not awkward in the least.

      Thanks for stopping by Chrys!

  11. Great topic Lexxie! I totally agree with you that sometimes there seems to be a bit of a double standad, I haven’t read much books where the hero was a virgin and the heroine not. It always seems to be the heroine who’s a birgin and the hero who’s experiences. Although I also have read quite some books where both characters aren’t a virgin.
    What can also annoy me about the virgin trope is how easily her first time goes and how often she comes in a night, uhm just not realistic. I like a bit of realism in my books and unfortunately that seems difficult to find sometimes in romance books.

    Lola recently posted: Sunday Post #84
    • Yeah, and I think that double standard is the thing I hate the most about this trope! Actually, the book I’m reading right now has the male character be the virgin, and the female character has more experience. It’s very interesting!

      Thanks for stopping by, Lola 🙂

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